my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
