When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
