Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
