The maid of honor just puked.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
