I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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