Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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