i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
