Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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