just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
True strength comes from lack of pants
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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