Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
