Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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