I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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