she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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