All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
