now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
