I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
