Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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