this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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