I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
