oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
