I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
