I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
