Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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