I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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