The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I want a musical about memes.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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