Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
