Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
