so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
