i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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