We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he fucked my hip out of place.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
is it fun? or sober?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
