I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
