There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
