i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
