my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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