He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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