Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's shark week go big or go home
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
