Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
