it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
