I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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