I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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