So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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