I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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