every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
