I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
