mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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