How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
