his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
