My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
