wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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