You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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